Sometimes, we give gifts thinking not very much about it, but stumble upon something that the recipient finds unexpectedly meaningful. This happened to me once when I decided I would do a little wood staining – and made this decorative ship’s wheel with the words “Captain Hyun” on it for my dad. For most of my life, my dad received my gifts like he received a receipt at a gas station – with no particular ceremony and rarely a word. Maybe something between a chuckle and a scoff. I don’t necessarily blame him… I generally didn’t give very meaningful gifts. So, I didn’t think much about it, when it was set aside – likely never to be looked upon again.
But one year – and I forget the occasion… maybe father’s day? Maybe Christmas? He opened this stained ship wheel, and I literally heard him gasp and get teary eyed. He just stared at it for a long time and whispered under his breath, “My God, it’s beautiful.” It was so unexpected. And I knew I must have stumbled upon something that hit a nerve that mattered (in a good way). I thought this playful gift would probably find a home in a closet or a dusty shelf somewhere… but the next time we went on his boat, it was the first thing he hung up – and then he took a picture with it.
A few days ago, I was sitting at the kitchen table with Andrew and he hit me with something similar. I don’t think he even meant it as a gift, but just stumbled upon something that meant a lot to me. He said that he thinks he got his sense of humor from me. I don’t think I’m particularly funny… but he thinks he is. Or more importantly, he thinks other people think he is. He said that his high school annual has page after page of how funny people thought he was. And he attributed that part of his character to me.
Andrew has a very active social life and it’s lucky for us if we see him at home for an evening. Sometimes, I wonder if it is because he feels I have impossible expectations of him. And the truth is I do have very high expectations of him. I think generally it’s been a positive influence because people tend to try and live up to expectations – especially those of parents… but I also know that it can also feel discouraging when you feel like you can not make your parents happy.
And so, often, we can sometimes have a complicated relationship with our parents. For some, it can deteriorate into resentment– and much difficulty in our teenage years – as I had especially with my dad.
So, I think when I think about why Andrew’s offhand comment hit me so sharply – was that at least for that moment – he saw that there was something good he recognized in himself…. And he was willing to say – I got that from you, dad. It’s a given that we all want our parents to be proud of who we are. But, what I haven’t thought much about was that we also want our children to be proud of who we are, too. I don’t know that I’m necessarily looking to win the funniest dad award, but I’m deeply grateful that Andrew is willing to look past the 18 years of accumulated friction and gift me this moment of grace.
I did tell him – I wish your annual had page after page of how hard working you are… but I guess funny is going to have to do… (just jokes… I didn’t say that… no need to call CPS)…
After having that experience, it did make me wish I could have done something like that for my dad. I think I would tell him I got my sense of adventure and risk-taking (the good kind… not like meth) from him. It’s still difficult for me to imagine that as an 18 year old kid, he would have stepped on to plane with a small wad of cash to go make a life for himself all alone in a foreign country. He did it in an era where phone calls were too expensive and letters were the primary form of communication that took two weeks to arrive. He landed in New York, and got mugged the very first day. Stumbled back to his motel all bruised up and threw up all night in a foreign land without anybody around that would care about him. He might as well have been on the moon… it would have been safer…
My adventures in comparison are much more tame than that. But, I grew up watching him start businesses and expand them. Pretty much take apart anything with full faith he can fix it and put it all back together. He gave me a dirt bike to ride around when I was in the 4th grade. Lots of stuff rubbed off, and I’m a better person for it.
I wish I could have said it while you were around, but I have faith the message will get to you. Thank you! And happy Father’s day.
Hyun Family 